Hello Brave Girl,
Two letters in one month. Obviously, mom has a lot she needs to say. I write these to you as a "Just In Case". Just in case something happens to me. Just in case I forget to tell you as I get older. Just in case you don't want to listen to me as a teenager, but don't mind reading things from me. Etc.
Today, I want you to know, without any kind of explanation from you whatsoever, that you don't owe anyone anything. Not me. Not your dad. Not your grandparents. Not your future friends or future significant others.
"No" is a powerful, and sometimes hard, word to say. "No, I don't want to do that." Or "No, I can't do that for you." Or even "No, you can't be in my life." All of those things are hard to say, and one day will probably need to be said at one point in your life. The part I want you to focus on, is not feeling guilty for saying it.
I'm telling you this, because I don't think anyone ever told me this growing up. Usually, I never had a hard time telling a stranger no. That was easy. What was harder was telling people I loved no. People that would take advantage of that knowledge about me. That they could push me into doing something they wanted or needed. Those people were toxic, to me at least.
It sucks when that happens. It sucks when you have someone you love and would do anything for, use you. And a lot of time, it was in unexpected ways. Sometimes people just wanted to be saved from themselves. But That. Is. Not. Your. Job.
You were not brought into this world to fix anyone. There's a fine line between helping someone who needs it and wants it, and helping someone who doesn't want to get better. You have to know the difference and you have to know when to walk away and cut that person from your life. It's something I failed at constantly because I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of everyone- regardless of how much they used me.
It wasn't, and its not going to be yours either. I want you to know, right now, you owe me nothing. Everything your dad and I do for you is because it brings us joy. You bring us more joy than I ever imagined possible. The only thing you can do for us is to live your life the way YOU want to live it. To make the choices that will make you happy in life. To travel. To go to college. To create art or to to be a successful business woman. Or both. And to learn to say no to those who would take your happiness away.
Letter
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Letter #3: You Don't Owe Anyone Anything.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Letter #2.
My sweet, brave River,
Yesterday I cried over a book. Which, as you'll come to learn is not unusual for your dear old mom, but this particular time was different.
Nine years ago, I went to a book store with my friends and stayed until Midnight playing games, dressing in costumes, and talking to complete strangers excitedly about an imaginary world. I'm talking, of course, about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows release party. I was 19 years old and I was about to close a huge part of my life that went back to simpler, happier times. For me (like many others) Harry Potter was my childhood.
I've never been great at being social. Even as a kid I preferred to lock myself into a room or lay outside with a huge book to be transported into another world. Don't get me wrong, I had friends and I played, but probably not as often as others did my age. When I was younger I would sometimes wonder if something was weird about me because of this. Harry Potter got me through it.
One day your crazy Mawmaw took me to the Hueytown Public Library where she insisted that I should read this book about a boy who was a wizard. She said other people had told her about it and said it was wonderful. Not trusting your mawmaw very much I decided to pick up a second book just in case. That night, I gave it a go though and I stayed up well past midnight on our La-Z-Boy turning the pages of that book. I was engrossed in this world of magic and creatures. With each passing year I would wait anxiously for the next book. I would get older, my interest would change, but nothing made me happier than when I got my hands on the new Harry Potter book.
At 19 I thought that time in my life had finally ended. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried. It felt like I was shutting the door on my childhood and that's never an easy thing to do... especially when you've just left high school and have no idea what you're going to be doing with your adult life. You see, at that point I had never loved anything as much as I loved those books. Nothing had ever come close to making me feel that magical or transported me back so quickly to a simpler time in my life when I had no worries.
Yesterday, I got to feel that again when I came home to find the screenplay Harry Potter and the Cursed Child sitting on my kitchen table. I ripped open the box it was delivered in and squealed with delight as I held the book up, with tears in my eyes, for your Mawmaw to see (she had been babysitting you while I went to work). It didn't matter that I was 28, just got home from work, and wearing sweaty scrubs. It didn't matter that I have a ton of responsibilities on my shoulders now or that I probably looked like the biggest dork on the planet. None of that matter to me because I was happy.
This is what I want you to take with you. Life is too short to hide your excitement over something. If something makes you happy, show it. Scream it out to the world and dance crazily. Enjoy your life. Don't worry about what people think. There will always be people out there that are sadly bitter and want to try and take that happiness away from you by mocking you. Ignore them. Pray for them. But never let them steal it from you. Never let your life get so bogged down by daily living that you can't be happy with something you once loved.
I love you my amazing happy girl. Nothing in life makes me happier than you, including the above mentioned books. If I embarrass you later on down the road with my love for you, then you know this is why. When I can't stop from hugging you outside of school and kissing your cheek you know this is why. When I shoutand clap crazily for all of your achievements you know this will be why.
Because you make me the happiest.
Yesterday I cried over a book. Which, as you'll come to learn is not unusual for your dear old mom, but this particular time was different.
Nine years ago, I went to a book store with my friends and stayed until Midnight playing games, dressing in costumes, and talking to complete strangers excitedly about an imaginary world. I'm talking, of course, about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows release party. I was 19 years old and I was about to close a huge part of my life that went back to simpler, happier times. For me (like many others) Harry Potter was my childhood.
I've never been great at being social. Even as a kid I preferred to lock myself into a room or lay outside with a huge book to be transported into another world. Don't get me wrong, I had friends and I played, but probably not as often as others did my age. When I was younger I would sometimes wonder if something was weird about me because of this. Harry Potter got me through it.
One day your crazy Mawmaw took me to the Hueytown Public Library where she insisted that I should read this book about a boy who was a wizard. She said other people had told her about it and said it was wonderful. Not trusting your mawmaw very much I decided to pick up a second book just in case. That night, I gave it a go though and I stayed up well past midnight on our La-Z-Boy turning the pages of that book. I was engrossed in this world of magic and creatures. With each passing year I would wait anxiously for the next book. I would get older, my interest would change, but nothing made me happier than when I got my hands on the new Harry Potter book.
At 19 I thought that time in my life had finally ended. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried. It felt like I was shutting the door on my childhood and that's never an easy thing to do... especially when you've just left high school and have no idea what you're going to be doing with your adult life. You see, at that point I had never loved anything as much as I loved those books. Nothing had ever come close to making me feel that magical or transported me back so quickly to a simpler time in my life when I had no worries.
Yesterday, I got to feel that again when I came home to find the screenplay Harry Potter and the Cursed Child sitting on my kitchen table. I ripped open the box it was delivered in and squealed with delight as I held the book up, with tears in my eyes, for your Mawmaw to see (she had been babysitting you while I went to work). It didn't matter that I was 28, just got home from work, and wearing sweaty scrubs. It didn't matter that I have a ton of responsibilities on my shoulders now or that I probably looked like the biggest dork on the planet. None of that matter to me because I was happy.
This is what I want you to take with you. Life is too short to hide your excitement over something. If something makes you happy, show it. Scream it out to the world and dance crazily. Enjoy your life. Don't worry about what people think. There will always be people out there that are sadly bitter and want to try and take that happiness away from you by mocking you. Ignore them. Pray for them. But never let them steal it from you. Never let your life get so bogged down by daily living that you can't be happy with something you once loved.
I love you my amazing happy girl. Nothing in life makes me happier than you, including the above mentioned books. If I embarrass you later on down the road with my love for you, then you know this is why. When I can't stop from hugging you outside of school and kissing your cheek you know this is why. When I shoutand clap crazily for all of your achievements you know this will be why.
Because you make me the happiest.
Friday, January 23, 2015
A Letter to Future River.
River,
It's so bizarre to think of you as an actual "person" and not just some little, but adorable, munchkin growing inside of me. However, I know one day you're going to be some angsty, fourteen year old who carries the world on her shoulders (because let's face it, we all go through that). I also know that when that time comes around I may not be the "open-minded", hip mom that I hope to be. Because I'll be older and sometimes when you grow up you forget what it's like to be young and have everything be so new.
I hope that never happens. I hope that I will always be able to relate to you and that I will remember to sometimes give you a break when you mess up because being a teenager (mostly) sucks and it's hard. But just in case I don't, or just in case you think your parents are "like, the lamest people to ever walk the planet", there's a few things I want you to know before I get too old and forget them:
3. Remember that sometimes people leave. Sometimes they get taken away from us, and sometimes they walk out on their own, but at some point, someone you love will be gone. When that happens, breathe through the pain. Feel every inch of it, but don't let it consume you, even though it may feel like you will never be able to breathe right again. Take loss for what it is: something you can't change, but that you can learn from. Learn from every bad experience. Take something bad always and find the silver lining it, because I promise, there will be one, even if it's hidden deep. And if someone is taken from you, remember the love they had for you. Hold on to it and realize that as long as you have that, they're never really gone.
4. Never be afraid to be yourself. Never let anyone make you feel ashamed of loving something/ someone. You are amazing. You are wonderfully made. You are the greatest joy in my life no matter what. Don't try to fit in to make life easier, because you can't. At fourteen, no one fits in. We're all weird and goofy, and it's amazing because that just means we're all different and can learn from each other. Embrace being different.
5. This Article on Stand By Me.
6. Remember your namesakes: River Song, Tam, and Phoenix. The first two were (although fictional) amazingly strong women who could hold their own in life. Phoenix was amazingly creative and beautiful (but totally made bad decisions on drugs- don't do drugs).
7. Never put your dreams and goals before anyone. Explore everything. Fall in love often. Dream big- bigger than big. You can do anything, as long as you put the effort into it. Life is too short not to get out of it everything you could possibly want.
8. Never forget that I love you. I loved you from the moment I first found out that I was carrying you. You became my whole world instantly. I know I'm going to eventually screw up in the parenting department at some point, because we all do (I sincerely pray it's a little screw-up and not a big one). I know that I'm not going to be perfect at this. There will be (heartbreaking) days when you will probably think you hate me. Try to remember that your poor mom is simply blinded by this insane amount of love she has for you if I get too controlling. And I promise, I'll try really hard when the time comes to learn when to let you have a breather and to let you grow.
It's so bizarre to think of you as an actual "person" and not just some little, but adorable, munchkin growing inside of me. However, I know one day you're going to be some angsty, fourteen year old who carries the world on her shoulders (because let's face it, we all go through that). I also know that when that time comes around I may not be the "open-minded", hip mom that I hope to be. Because I'll be older and sometimes when you grow up you forget what it's like to be young and have everything be so new.
I hope that never happens. I hope that I will always be able to relate to you and that I will remember to sometimes give you a break when you mess up because being a teenager (mostly) sucks and it's hard. But just in case I don't, or just in case you think your parents are "like, the lamest people to ever walk the planet", there's a few things I want you to know before I get too old and forget them:
1. David Bowie, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Fleetwood Mac, Joni Mitchell, The Avett Brothers, Bob Dylan, The Smiths, The Cure, REM, Pixies, and Smashing Pumpkins. Play them. They'll help you get you through all the craptastic days.
2. Read. Read everything and anything you can get your hands on. Question the world around you by opening up your mind to different worlds and ways of living by reading. Before you can even really become a teenager you have to read "The Outsiders" (it's like a right of passage for every kid out there to know that "nothing gold can stay"). Also, read plenty of John Green. Because he's amazing too. And "Perks of Being a Wallflower". Because Charlie is such an awesome book friend to have.
3. Remember that sometimes people leave. Sometimes they get taken away from us, and sometimes they walk out on their own, but at some point, someone you love will be gone. When that happens, breathe through the pain. Feel every inch of it, but don't let it consume you, even though it may feel like you will never be able to breathe right again. Take loss for what it is: something you can't change, but that you can learn from. Learn from every bad experience. Take something bad always and find the silver lining it, because I promise, there will be one, even if it's hidden deep. And if someone is taken from you, remember the love they had for you. Hold on to it and realize that as long as you have that, they're never really gone.
4. Never be afraid to be yourself. Never let anyone make you feel ashamed of loving something/ someone. You are amazing. You are wonderfully made. You are the greatest joy in my life no matter what. Don't try to fit in to make life easier, because you can't. At fourteen, no one fits in. We're all weird and goofy, and it's amazing because that just means we're all different and can learn from each other. Embrace being different.
5. This Article on Stand By Me.
6. Remember your namesakes: River Song, Tam, and Phoenix. The first two were (although fictional) amazingly strong women who could hold their own in life. Phoenix was amazingly creative and beautiful (but totally made bad decisions on drugs- don't do drugs).
7. Never put your dreams and goals before anyone. Explore everything. Fall in love often. Dream big- bigger than big. You can do anything, as long as you put the effort into it. Life is too short not to get out of it everything you could possibly want.
8. Never forget that I love you. I loved you from the moment I first found out that I was carrying you. You became my whole world instantly. I know I'm going to eventually screw up in the parenting department at some point, because we all do (I sincerely pray it's a little screw-up and not a big one). I know that I'm not going to be perfect at this. There will be (heartbreaking) days when you will probably think you hate me. Try to remember that your poor mom is simply blinded by this insane amount of love she has for you if I get too controlling. And I promise, I'll try really hard when the time comes to learn when to let you have a breather and to let you grow.
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