Letter #3: You Don't Owe Anyone Anything.

Hello Brave Girl,

Two letters in one month. Obviously, mom has a lot she needs to say. I write these to you as a "Just In Case". Just in case something happens to me. Just in case I forget to tell you as I get older. Just in case you don't want to listen to me as a teenager, but don't mind reading things from me. Etc.

Today, I want you to know, without any kind of explanation from you whatsoever, that you don't owe anyone anything. Not me. Not your dad. Not your grandparents. Not your future friends or future significant others.

"No" is a powerful, and sometimes hard, word to say. "No, I don't want to do that." Or "No, I can't do that for you." Or even "No, you can't be in my life." All of those things are hard to say, and one day will probably need to be said at one point in your life. The part I want you to focus on, is not feeling guilty for saying it.

I'm telling you this, because I don't think anyone ever told me this growing up. Usually, I never had a hard time telling a stranger no. That was easy. What was harder was telling people I loved no. People that would take advantage of that knowledge about me. That they could push me into doing something they wanted or needed. Those people were toxic, to me at least.

It sucks when that happens. It sucks when you have someone you love and would do anything for, use you. And a lot of time, it was in unexpected ways. Sometimes people just wanted to be saved from themselves. But That. Is. Not. Your. Job.

You were not brought into this world to fix anyone. There's a fine line between helping someone who needs it and wants it, and helping someone who doesn't want to get better. You have to know the difference and you have to know when to walk away and cut that person from your life. It's something I failed at constantly because I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of everyone- regardless of how much they used me.

It wasn't, and its not going to be yours either. I want you to know, right now, you owe me nothing. Everything your dad and I do for you is because it brings us joy. You bring us more joy than I ever imagined possible. The only thing you can do for us is to live your life the way YOU want to live it. To make the choices that will make you happy in life. To travel. To go to college. To create art or to to be a successful business woman. Or both. And to learn to say no to those who would take your happiness away.

Letter #2.

My sweet, brave River,

Yesterday I cried over a book. Which, as you'll come to learn is not unusual for your dear old mom, but this particular time was different.

Nine years ago, I went to a book store with my friends and stayed until Midnight playing games, dressing in costumes, and talking to complete strangers excitedly about an imaginary world. I'm talking, of course, about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows release party. I was 19 years old and I was about to close a huge part of my life that went back to simpler, happier times. For me (like many others) Harry Potter was my childhood.

I've never been great at being social. Even as a kid I preferred to lock myself into a room or lay outside with a huge book to be transported into another world. Don't get me wrong, I had friends and I played, but probably not as often as others did my age. When I was younger I would sometimes wonder if something was weird about me because of this. Harry Potter got me through it.

One day your crazy Mawmaw took me to the Hueytown Public Library where she insisted that I should read this book about a boy who was a wizard. She said other people had told her about it and said it was wonderful. Not trusting your mawmaw very much I decided to pick up a second book just in case. That night, I gave it a go though and I stayed up well past midnight on our La-Z-Boy turning the pages of that book. I was engrossed in this world of magic and creatures. With each passing year I would wait anxiously for the next book. I would get older, my interest would change, but nothing made me happier than when I got my hands on the new Harry Potter book.

At 19 I thought that time in my life had finally ended. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried. It felt like I was shutting the door on my childhood and that's never an easy thing to do... especially when you've just left high school and have no idea what you're going to be doing with your adult life. You see, at that point I had never loved anything as much as I loved those books. Nothing had ever come close to making me feel that magical or transported me back so quickly to a simpler time in my life when I had no worries.

Yesterday, I got to feel that again when I came home to find the screenplay Harry Potter and the Cursed Child sitting on my kitchen table. I ripped open the box it was delivered in and squealed with delight as I held the book up, with tears in my eyes, for your Mawmaw to see (she had been babysitting you while I went to work). It didn't matter that I was 28, just got home from work, and wearing sweaty scrubs. It didn't matter that I have a ton of responsibilities on my shoulders now or that I probably looked like the biggest dork on the planet. None of that matter to me because I was happy.

This is what I want you to take with you. Life is too short to hide your excitement over something. If something makes you happy, show it. Scream it out to the world and dance crazily. Enjoy your life. Don't worry about what people think. There will always be people out there that are sadly bitter and want to try and take that happiness away from you  by mocking you. Ignore them. Pray for them. But never let them steal it from you. Never let your life get so bogged down by daily living that you can't be happy with something you once loved.

I love you my amazing happy girl. Nothing in life makes me happier than you, including the above mentioned books. If I embarrass you later on down the road with my love for you, then you know this is why. When I can't stop from hugging you outside of school and kissing your cheek you know this is why. When I shoutand clap crazily for all of your achievements you know this will be why.

Because you make me the happiest.

Postpartum Anxiety.

So, I'm about to get really "real" here for a min. For the past three months, since giving birth to my completely adorable little girl, I have been suffering from severe anxiety. And for the past three months I have done absolutely nothing about it. Because it's normal, right? I mean, sure we've heard about Postpartum Depression, but that's not me. I'm not depressed. I'm actually the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. Except for the anxiety.

 I've always been a fairly anxious person. I tend to worry about little things, but it's never really effected my daily life or relationships. Until I gave birth. It started on the day we left the hospital. For the entire stay I had wanted nothing more than to get home and start our new life together. But when the moment came, I became instantly anxious. Doubt crept into my head big time. What if we did something wrong? What if she still wasn't eating good? What if we got in a wreck on the way home? What if something was wrong with my post birth body and I died?

It was on the drive home that I had my first "new mommy breakdown". Our tire was low from the temperature dropping during our hospital stay, and my husband was forced to pull over into a bad neighborhood to get it aired up. As soon as he got out of the car I started sobbing while River wrapped her tiny little hand around my finger. I just knew someone was going to rob us. Someone was going to rob the store we were at, and my husband or I would get shot leaving River without a mother or a father. Someone would try and steal the car with River and me in it. The crazy imaginary scenarios were endless. Looking back, some part of me deep down knew that I could chalk all these fears up to hormones, but at the time, I couldn't deal. I was convinced that one or all of these things were going to happen.

But things have mellowed out for me somewhat since those first weeks. Recovering from birth was hard on me. I honestly believe that even though I had a perfectly healthy birth, I was traumatized from it. I had never experienced anything like that and I was terrified I was going to die from it. Not because it was painful (it was), but because it was just so monumental. My hands would shake for weeks afterward just thinking about it, and even now I still get a small knot in my stomach whenever I think of the way I felt post birth.

 However, I'm still suffering from anxiety. Since having River, I go into Death Con 5 Panic Mode at least once or twice a day- meaning that I feel an invisible band tightening around my chest and crying jags that I have to calm myself down from or have Zack calm me down from. Usually the stem from "what if" thoughts that pop into my head, or something small will happen that will just send me on a melt-down (like paying a bill late, making me believe that we will eventually end up homeless). I haven't been out with my friends in months. MONTHS. Not because they haven't asked, but because I'm too anxious to leave River for long periods of time. Being at work is torture. I constantly call or text my grandmothers (who keep her) to check in. Night time is the worst. I hate to even type this out, but I am terrified of SIDS. I constantly wake up to check on her. Even just "saying" it out loud makes me feel like I can't breathe. The only way I was finally able to relax enough to get sleep about a month ago was because I decided to pray every night that God would protect River. That he would make sure she lives a long, happy, and satisfying life. And so far, that's helped. Some.

But my anxiety is not only harming me now, it's been harming my marriage. While most days I can try to talk myself up into being a "normal" care-free person, sometimes that just doesn't happen. And I get angry. I get angry because a part of me wonders if I will ever feel like myself again. I get angry that my husband doesn't always understand that I can't just make myself relax (even though he does try). I snap at family and friends for little things that I would normally just let go. I feel overwhelmed a lot, and I feel like I have to do everything myself... when in reality, that's just no the case. My husband, bless him, has offered multiple times to keep River alone so I can go out, and each time I am the one to refuse. The only good thing is I can honestly say I am never angry at River. Even if she is having a melt-down I'm able to put aside my anxiety and be the mom she needs me to be. In fact, she is the one person who makes me feel like I can breathe again. When we curl up to watch TV together or we "talk" and she laughs and giggles... that band eases off of my chest.

I started writing this post a few weeks ago, and I wasn't sure how I was going to end it (or if I was even going to publish it since it was so personal). I was facing two choices: take a prescription of Zoloft that my doctor had prescribed me, or continue on trying to "deal" with the anxiety. Last week I decided to give the Zoloft a try. I honestly hate medicine. I wouldn't even take pain relief after giving birth. It's just not my thing. I don't like to feel out of control, and I have a family history of addiction, so it's always just made sense for me to avoid it. But after much discussion with my husband, I felt like it was in my best interest to give it a try. I was almost relieved when I couldn't take it. The whole day I felt hung-over. I had a major migraine. I felt queasy and dizzy and sluggish. I had taken anti-depressants before when I was younger, but nothing had ever made me feel like this. Once I completely eliminated the idea of taking medication for my anxiety, I felt a huge wave of relief roll over me... which is weird, I know. But for months I had been sitting on the fence: to medicate or not. So making a decision, any decision, was a huge weight off my shoulders. I could finally start looking into alternatives. Which is what I did. I joined a group of mother's who suffered from anxiety. I talked to other moms in my family. I found out that I wasn't alone and it was kind of amazing. I found out what other moms were doing for their anxiety, and customized a plan to battle my own. I'm happy to say, so far it's helping. Sure, my anxiety isn't completely gone (and honestly, it probably never will be), but with the help of vitamins, eating better, exercise, meditation, prayer, and yes, taking time off for myself, I've been able to cut a huge chunk of my anxiety out.

What I'm Loving this Week!

1. Weeds starring Mary Louise Parker. I know, I'm totally behind on this train, but this show is so hilarious and addictive. And the best part? Netflix has all the seasons. Highly recommend.

2. Wal-Mart's Scentsy knock-off cubes and room sprays. Seriously, they smell fantastic (or at least the lemon scent does) and they're half the price.

3. This Article and photo of the #followmeto guy. So romantic!

4. Snuggling up in bed with little River and watching her watch cartoons... and okay, watching them myself. River is hitting that stage where she is super alert and watching everything... especially the TV. I'm actually having to cut off the TV when I feed her so she'll eat because she gets so distracted by it (see below)!

5. Video Baby Monitors! I have just started putting River in her crib during the day to take her naps and I need to give a huge shout out to whoever thought of the idea for video baby monitors because it helps to ease this crazy Momma's anxiety by a billion!

6. Wednesday Pool Days. Okay, so my mom has a pretty sweet blow up pool in her VERY secluded back yard, and I have totally been taking advantage of it. For about two hours on Wednesdays I let little River chill with her grandmother while I go sun and read a book, nap, or just zen out. It works out perfectly because I'm actually able to FULLY relax knowing that River is just right in the house- which is amazing for me because I feel like I haven't had that feeling since River came into the world (Momma's you know what I'm talking about).

Breaking "The" Rules

When I was pregnant I had a certain mind set of how life with baby was going to be. There were going to be things that I just knew I would not compromise on. For example:

1. She was going to be strictly breastfeed for at least six months.

2. No sleeping with the us IN the bed or on her stomach.

3. No "spoiling" her by constant holding (by myself or family members).

4. No pacifiers

The list could go on and on. However, I can now humbly say that I honestly had no idea what I was talking about. I thought that by reading all these articles, blogs, and baby books that I was prepared for my little River. HA! While yes, I was "prepared" for her to some extent, I most certainly wasn't prepared for how exhausting a newborn baby can be, and how by the second week you're willing to do just about anything to get her little butt to sleep for at least four hours straight during the night.

Well, here we are almost into week three and I have successfully broken all (probably) of my rules.

1. Breastfeeding went out the window in the first week.

2. By week two, River was taking naps on her tummy (although I still put her on her back at night just to be safe). I'm also guilty of letting her catnap with me in the bed during the day.

3. Have YOU ever tried to tell a new grandma to put the baby down so she won't be spoiled? Or would you rather keep your mouth shut (like me) and tip toe quietly into your bedroom so you can get some quick shut eye while she's fawning over your little love? Yeah, that's what I thought.

4. Psh. Second night into the world, River had a binkie in her mouth and I haven't looked back since.

Like I said, every new mommy rule I had made pre-birth has been broken or proven to be obsolete for us. And the real kicker? I don't feel guilty or bad over it. Because I'm finding out that only you as their parent truly knows what's best for your baby. Does this mean I don't take advice? Heck no. I constantly ask my own mother a million questions a day. But I pick and choose what I want to follow or what I think will work best for us. 

And with letting go of all of my "rules" I've become more relaxed and able to just enjoy being a new mom. Because that's really what it's supposed to be about right now- simply soaking up every ounce of time I get to spend with her and love on her. I'll never get this time back, so why waste it on a rigid schedule and crazy ideas that don't really work for us anyway?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a little munchkin to cuddle up with and read to.