Books, Kitchen Fire, and Netflix.

Finished Reading: 

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

"WTF" is the only way to describe this thriller. It will most certainly have you turning the pages well after mindight as you try to figure out what will happen next.
*Side Note: Hollywood couldn't have picked a better actor than Ben Affleck to play Nick Dunne.*

Started Reading:

Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor

Ashamed to say this has been sitting on my bookshelf for years and for some reason I just never picked it up. So far, I'm definitely impressed! Plus, I love my overseas cover of this book thanks to my awesome GReep (Goodreads Peep) that sent it to me for my birthday.

Started Listening To:

Beauty Queens by Libba Bray
Absolutely hilarious. If Libba Bray never made it as an author, she definitely could have made a career as an audio-book narrator. She does a superb job of making each character their own. Highly entertaining.

New Momma Problem #215:

Misplaced Brain.

Being a new mom is awesome, but I do sometimes wonder if River took half my brain with her when she came out. Example: This week I attempted to cook bacon and biscuits with chocolate gravy. During the process, I apparently laid down the PLASTIC container full of sugar on a hot eye. Result: Sugar Explosion. Ever tried to clean burned sugar/ plastic out of a stove top? Let me just tell you, it's not easy or pretty.

Binging on Netflix:
So. Funny. Plus, it has Martha Plimpton in it, and she's just fantastic.

Rainey Health Kick Starting Off:

This week Zack and I decided to *finally* get serious about eating better. We don't eat out often, however we do cook a lot of fried, carb-loaded, cheesy meals (aka Heart-Attack Dinners). So this weekend we went to the grocery store and spent all our food money on veggies, fruit, and other good-for-you grub. P.S. I don't care what anyone says, eating healthy IS more expensive, but if you shop at Aldi's you should be good. It's like buying regular food at Wal-Mart ;)

But hopefully with the good food and MyFitnessPal we can shed some pounds, or at least lower our future cholesterol. Also, I really need to add in an exercise routine to my week, but so far it's just way too hot to go outside, so I'm on the lookout for good home exercise DVDs.

Postpartum Anxiety.

So, I'm about to get really "real" here for a min. For the past three months, since giving birth to my completely adorable little girl, I have been suffering from severe anxiety. And for the past three months I have done absolutely nothing about it. Because it's normal, right? I mean, sure we've heard about Postpartum Depression, but that's not me. I'm not depressed. I'm actually the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. Except for the anxiety.

 I've always been a fairly anxious person. I tend to worry about little things, but it's never really effected my daily life or relationships. Until I gave birth. It started on the day we left the hospital. For the entire stay I had wanted nothing more than to get home and start our new life together. But when the moment came, I became instantly anxious. Doubt crept into my head big time. What if we did something wrong? What if she still wasn't eating good? What if we got in a wreck on the way home? What if something was wrong with my post birth body and I died?

It was on the drive home that I had my first "new mommy breakdown". Our tire was low from the temperature dropping during our hospital stay, and my husband was forced to pull over into a bad neighborhood to get it aired up. As soon as he got out of the car I started sobbing while River wrapped her tiny little hand around my finger. I just knew someone was going to rob us. Someone was going to rob the store we were at, and my husband or I would get shot leaving River without a mother or a father. Someone would try and steal the car with River and me in it. The crazy imaginary scenarios were endless. Looking back, some part of me deep down knew that I could chalk all these fears up to hormones, but at the time, I couldn't deal. I was convinced that one or all of these things were going to happen.

But things have mellowed out for me somewhat since those first weeks. Recovering from birth was hard on me. I honestly believe that even though I had a perfectly healthy birth, I was traumatized from it. I had never experienced anything like that and I was terrified I was going to die from it. Not because it was painful (it was), but because it was just so monumental. My hands would shake for weeks afterward just thinking about it, and even now I still get a small knot in my stomach whenever I think of the way I felt post birth.

 However, I'm still suffering from anxiety. Since having River, I go into Death Con 5 Panic Mode at least once or twice a day- meaning that I feel an invisible band tightening around my chest and crying jags that I have to calm myself down from or have Zack calm me down from. Usually the stem from "what if" thoughts that pop into my head, or something small will happen that will just send me on a melt-down (like paying a bill late, making me believe that we will eventually end up homeless). I haven't been out with my friends in months. MONTHS. Not because they haven't asked, but because I'm too anxious to leave River for long periods of time. Being at work is torture. I constantly call or text my grandmothers (who keep her) to check in. Night time is the worst. I hate to even type this out, but I am terrified of SIDS. I constantly wake up to check on her. Even just "saying" it out loud makes me feel like I can't breathe. The only way I was finally able to relax enough to get sleep about a month ago was because I decided to pray every night that God would protect River. That he would make sure she lives a long, happy, and satisfying life. And so far, that's helped. Some.

But my anxiety is not only harming me now, it's been harming my marriage. While most days I can try to talk myself up into being a "normal" care-free person, sometimes that just doesn't happen. And I get angry. I get angry because a part of me wonders if I will ever feel like myself again. I get angry that my husband doesn't always understand that I can't just make myself relax (even though he does try). I snap at family and friends for little things that I would normally just let go. I feel overwhelmed a lot, and I feel like I have to do everything myself... when in reality, that's just no the case. My husband, bless him, has offered multiple times to keep River alone so I can go out, and each time I am the one to refuse. The only good thing is I can honestly say I am never angry at River. Even if she is having a melt-down I'm able to put aside my anxiety and be the mom she needs me to be. In fact, she is the one person who makes me feel like I can breathe again. When we curl up to watch TV together or we "talk" and she laughs and giggles... that band eases off of my chest.

I started writing this post a few weeks ago, and I wasn't sure how I was going to end it (or if I was even going to publish it since it was so personal). I was facing two choices: take a prescription of Zoloft that my doctor had prescribed me, or continue on trying to "deal" with the anxiety. Last week I decided to give the Zoloft a try. I honestly hate medicine. I wouldn't even take pain relief after giving birth. It's just not my thing. I don't like to feel out of control, and I have a family history of addiction, so it's always just made sense for me to avoid it. But after much discussion with my husband, I felt like it was in my best interest to give it a try. I was almost relieved when I couldn't take it. The whole day I felt hung-over. I had a major migraine. I felt queasy and dizzy and sluggish. I had taken anti-depressants before when I was younger, but nothing had ever made me feel like this. Once I completely eliminated the idea of taking medication for my anxiety, I felt a huge wave of relief roll over me... which is weird, I know. But for months I had been sitting on the fence: to medicate or not. So making a decision, any decision, was a huge weight off my shoulders. I could finally start looking into alternatives. Which is what I did. I joined a group of mother's who suffered from anxiety. I talked to other moms in my family. I found out that I wasn't alone and it was kind of amazing. I found out what other moms were doing for their anxiety, and customized a plan to battle my own. I'm happy to say, so far it's helping. Sure, my anxiety isn't completely gone (and honestly, it probably never will be), but with the help of vitamins, eating better, exercise, meditation, prayer, and yes, taking time off for myself, I've been able to cut a huge chunk of my anxiety out.

What I'm Loving this Week!

1. Weeds starring Mary Louise Parker. I know, I'm totally behind on this train, but this show is so hilarious and addictive. And the best part? Netflix has all the seasons. Highly recommend.

2. Wal-Mart's Scentsy knock-off cubes and room sprays. Seriously, they smell fantastic (or at least the lemon scent does) and they're half the price.

3. This Article and photo of the #followmeto guy. So romantic!

4. Snuggling up in bed with little River and watching her watch cartoons... and okay, watching them myself. River is hitting that stage where she is super alert and watching everything... especially the TV. I'm actually having to cut off the TV when I feed her so she'll eat because she gets so distracted by it (see below)!

5. Video Baby Monitors! I have just started putting River in her crib during the day to take her naps and I need to give a huge shout out to whoever thought of the idea for video baby monitors because it helps to ease this crazy Momma's anxiety by a billion!

6. Wednesday Pool Days. Okay, so my mom has a pretty sweet blow up pool in her VERY secluded back yard, and I have totally been taking advantage of it. For about two hours on Wednesdays I let little River chill with her grandmother while I go sun and read a book, nap, or just zen out. It works out perfectly because I'm actually able to FULLY relax knowing that River is just right in the house- which is amazing for me because I feel like I haven't had that feeling since River came into the world (Momma's you know what I'm talking about).

Bucket List!

1. Get a Tattoo.

2. See Starry Night in person.

3. Get married.

4. Eat a macaron in Paris.

5. Watch a silent movie.

6. Have a family.

7. See the Northern Lights in Alaska.

8. Eat Hagelslag in Holland.

9. Have a pixie cut.

10. Read all of Jane Austin.
11. Ride a train.
12. Publish a novel.
13. Attend Book Expo America
14. Visit Powell's Bookstore in Portland, Oregon.
15. Have my cards/palm read in New Orleans
16. Go on a spontaneous road trip with no clear destination in mind.
17. Have a honeymoon.
18. Actually run (and not die) a 5K marathon (specifically color run).
19.Go camping out in the "wild".
20. Visit a castle in Ireland.
21. Visit Harry Potter World

22. Join a book club.

23. Visit the Grand Canyon

24. Experience zero gravity.

25. Go skinny-dipping. (Sorry, no pictures for this one! You're welcome!)

26. Dye my hair an outrageous color.

27. Attend Comic Con

28. Have a garden.

29. Catch a fish.

30. Watch Dead Poets Society.

31. Visit the Poe Museum in Baltimore.

32. See the play A Midsummer Night's Dream

33. Have a Picnic in the park.

34. Watch the sunrise over the ocean.

35. Graduate from college

36.  Buy a house.

37. Go to London and see the play "The Cursed Child" by JK Rowling.

38. Stay at a Bed & Breakfast.

39. Build a fort with River.

40. Pay for River's college.

41. Go Stargazing in a truck full of blankets.

42. Leave notes in books at a used bookstore.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things... This Week!

1. Adore starring Robin Wright and Naomi Watts. Browsing through My (very long) List on Netflix, I found this little gem. It's bizarre, passionate, and pretty intense. I love the chemistry between all the characters, not to mention the absolute beauty of the actors. I hope I age as prettily as The Princess Bride.

2. Just One Day by Gayle Forman. I really *loved* this story. Gayle Forman has a wonderful knack for putting you in the shoes of her characters, making it impossible to leave them alone. Of course, in true Forman fashion we do get a sort of "non-ending" in this book (similar to that of If I Stay). So if you like absolute, door-slamming closure, you may want to skip this one. But you'd be missing out.

3. My new do. I'm not going to lie, this is a love/hate relationship depending on my mood. One minute I'm almost in tears over my long hair, the next I'm rejoicing over how easy and fun it is. It doesn't hurt that the hubs loves it and compliments me on it all the time. And the fact that I just whacked off all my hair does make me feel a little bit more brave. Of course, having River made me feel like a boss, so apparently I just think I'm a badass now ;) ...still don't do upside down coasters though.

4. The Pandora station called "The Mozart Effect (Children's) Radio".  It plays tons of (mostly classic rock) cover songs, but with a classical twist. Boo and I listen to it often while she plays on her play mat.

5. This picture. We both just look like a two adorable (on her part) goons.

6. This Article on Buffy.Seriously, number eighteen. Oz & Willow. But I pretty much teared up all the way through it.

7. That new Netflix show called Between. Could Netflix be any cooler?

8. The moment the hubs humored me and danced with me last Saturday to "In My Life" by the Beatles because it's one of my all time favorite songs. It was a little awkward considering he's a 6'2 giant while I'm just 5'2, but super sweet because I had wanted it to be the song we danced to at OUR wedding, but was unable to because (a) I forgot the music and (b) our reception "hall" was way too small to dance in.

9. And finally, the fact that River has quite possibly got the hang of sleeping through the entire night! I mean, she still tries to wake up at 5:00 am, but me and her pacifier shut that down pretty quick... at least until 6:30.

Seven Things I've Learned So Far About Being A Mom For Seven Weeks.

1. Being a mom is weirdly wonderful. You're utterly exhausted (I'm talking can't-hold-your-eyes-open-during-work-hardly-bone-tired), but you have NEVER been happier in your entire life.

2. Despite the fact that I would probably slay a demon to take a real nap, I still smile and laugh when River decides that 4:00 am is a good time to giggle and wake up for the day.

3. I finally understand selfless love. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband with my whole heart and I know he feels that way about me too, but after birthing River I found another level of that love so intense and deep that I am just blown away by it daily.

4. I don't mind that my husband frequently kisses and cuddles with another girl every single day. Watching Zack bond with, and take care of, our daughter fills my heart with even more love for him. We've always been great together, but having a baby has brought us even closer. We also appreciate each other so much more than we did in the past, because we're a team and we know the only way to get through this is together.

5. For what is probably the first time ever in my life, I'm *proud* of my body. I'm proud of what I endured, and that my body helped to give life to this amazing human being. I feel so much stronger knowing that I went through giving birth. 

6. My goals and dreams didn't go away, if anything they became more intense. I was terrified that being a mom meant that I was going to lose myself. I was thrilled to be pregnant, but I was scared of never being me again. But the truth is, I'm still the same person. I'm still a huge geek. I still want the same things that I wanted before, but even more so now because I want my daughter to know that her mother reached her goals and that she didn't settle. 

7. "Mothering Instincts" are real. I thought it was just a myth, but I promise you, I know better than anyone else what River wants and what she needs. It's a scary thing because I know that on down the road I will have to let go of these instincts, or at least loosen up on them, so River can be her own person. But for now, she needs me and my instincts and I will absolutely cherish these early days for the rest of my life.

"Dorothy Must Die" by Danielle Paige

Series: Dorothy Must Die #1
Genre: YA Fantasy/ Retellings
Format: Kindle
Publication: April 2014 by Harper Collins
Cover Rating: 3/5 Stars

Links: Goodreads, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Book Depo,

From Goodreads: I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't ask to be some kind of hero.

But when your whole life gets swept up by a tornado - taking you with it - you have no choice but to go along, you know?

Sure, I've read the books. I've seen the movies. I know the song about the rainbow and the happy little bluebirds. But I never expected Oz to look like this. To be a place where Good Witches can't be trusted, Wicked Witches may just be the good guys, and winged monkeys can be executed for acts of rebellion. There's still a yellow brick road - but even that's crumbling.

What happened? Dorothy.

They say she found a way to come back to Oz. They say she seized power and the power went to her head. And now no one is safe.

My name is Amy Gumm - and I'm the other girl from Kansas.

I've been recruited by the Revolutionary Order of the Wicked.

I've been trained to fight.

And I have a mission.


My Thoughts: Dorothy Must Die has to be my least favorite fairytale retelling that I have ever read, and I had such high hopes for it to. I mean, just look at that cover! This book was designed to lure you in with a cover like that! But alas, I feel victim once again to my cover lust.

So, here's my issues with DMD:

1. Pacing- While this novel started off VERY strong, it quickly got boring fast... and slightly confusing. The story seemed to drag on and on, without bothering to really explain certain important plot elements. By the time I was half-way through, I was already wanting it to just be over with.

2. Characters- While our MC, Amy Gumm is pretty rad and awesome, the rest of the stories characters are FLAT and lame. I didn't feel any kind of connection or love for any of the side characters, or their relationship to Amy. Even Dorothy herself was just plain boring. And don't even get me started on the love interest, Nox (I could seriously punch myself in the face trying to get through reading scenes with him).

3. Immature writing, but with adult language- This was the real kicker for me. The story read for a young audience (think 14 and younger), but it felt like the author changed her mind by dropping the F-Bomb randomly throughout the story to "adult it up", which just came off as silly.

Bottom Line: I won't be recommending this one.

My Rating: 2/5 Stars